Yes, that was the time when life demanded from me to run for my life!!!!
What was the reason for me to run for my own life? Why was i scared to face the situations? Was I not bold enough to handle alone? Where all my beloved ones go leaving me in this critical condition? Was it a health problem or something else? What was it exactly I was undergoing through? Who came to my rescue then? What or which was my disturbing factor??Did I reach my goal at last? ..................
Though am not so good at extracting exactly what I went through, will definitely try to reach the core to maximum extent possible. At the end, ‘am sure you will be inspired by the way I handled my mental status.
It was in Oct 2002, just after my graduation when I stepped into Bangalore with loads of dreams, determination to achieve what I’ve always aspired for, a broad smile of relatives and an open door of ICWAI (Institute of Cost and Works Accountants’ of India) gave me a kind of encouragement to reach my goal & a spark in my eyes to look at the world in a different angle…….
I was all set to start up, soon I enrolled myself for the oral coaching classes for Inter 1st stage. Getting up at 5.30am,get ready, attend classes from 7 to 10am,return home and cook something to cool my hunger, already set to start reading with a cup of tea beside me!! This used to be my daily routine; you can say that my hunger for knowledge was more than the comforts of life……..
As the days goes by, I have found myself excelling in studies and painting. Was proud of myself whenever professors used to appreciate me for the answers I used to give in an extraordinary way (through graphs, flowcharts & real examples of life...). I was up to the mark though I studied in a local language medium school & college, was equally competitive with the students who were of I.A.S.E, C.B.S.E educational background. Language was the biggest barrier while conversing which always made me inferior to share my thoughts with others. Nevertheless, in exams all mattered was how well you depict your ideas, knowledge into words in which I was good enough. Hardwork,systematic approach in preparation for the exams have at last paid me with the good results, stood in second position in whole Bangalore in oral coaching exams for which Institute awarded me with a money prize of Rs.1000/- & was one of the proud students who had cleared their Inter 1st stage in the first attempt itself!!!
Now, I had a feather on my head, was much more enthusiastic, confident and nothing could have ever stopped me from completing CWA except……………….What was that?????
It was the most shocking moment than when I lost my beloved dad and was hesitant to accept the bitter truth!!!
I was grown up by listening to the great Indian epics The Mahabharata and The Ramayana, had literally thought that at least Indians if not the whole world are indeed following the path of truth, righteousness in their everyday life. Forget about Indians, I was so dumb to realize what exactly is happening in minds of people so called relatives by whom I was surrounded with!!
Why me?? Was that b’coz I didn’t had my father or mum who was staying far away from me? Were they taking advantage of me being alone at my home? What exactly they wanted?? It didn’t took much time for me to realize & face the ugliest minds I have ever come across till then……there was no shame in themselves when they approached me by saying they love me though they had wife, few of them had kid/s also…how disgusting!!!! Used to wonder with the way they were leading their life & facing their family with a bitter, dirty mind & heart hiding within…there was no truth nor righteousness in their deeds, feelings, speech……
I had decided not to open the doors itself when they knock and pour out their dirty thoughts. Was the last person to accept those bitter facts. I used to console myself that they must be playing pranks with me to know me better or something like that….but nothing could succeed in calming my heart’s agony. Consoling myself with such sugar coated thoughts didn’t fetch anything than an increasing unknown fear inside myself of loosing myself, interest in studies,people,relationships,life…..used to curse my helplessness and blame GOD for taking away my dad when I needed him the most. Every day and night became tougher to face than I thought. I had none to share what I was undergoing through as I thought it would give a chance to people to make fun of our family which had then built a good reputation by then in society, thought I was strong enough to make these dirty minds to realize what they are doing…..was I over confident or did I felt that I was strong enough to fight with them???
Since they had a good rapport with my neighbors’ entering home was not a big deal for them through which they indeed took undue advantage. All my innocence towards the relationships seems to have an end. Though I tried my best to scream and tell them what they think and are doing is nothing but cheating themselves, God & so called family, they never agreed with me (rather they argued that without God’s will not even a single grass will move, then, without HIS WILL why will they get these feelings towards me??) They had all possible senseless statements ready with them to argue!! My physical strength didn’t come to my rescue to escape from those rough hands, even stones would have moved at my cries but not them!!Harassment both physically and mentally have blocked my mind and heart as a whole……..
The silent screams inside
Nobody does hear
The screams of fear.
The screams of pain.
The screams of past pain endured.
No body knows.
The screams of hurt.
The screams that huant.
The screams of despair.
The screams of loneliness.
The screams of death.
Im screaming inside out.
With nobody to hear
Im screaming with pain.
Im screaming and screaming
Let me forget ....................
CWA exams were fast approaching, but unlike last time, I was unable to concentrate on anything …just hunting for some help to rescue me from this unbearable pain. Instead of sparkle in eyes & heart, a deep inconsolable tears was enough to fill my complete day and night….why did it happened with me? What was my mistake? Was I that much bad for God had punished me like this?? Whole night I used to sit in the puja room staring at god’s eye but they never responded to my cries!!! I was deeply hurt when even God couldn’t come to wipe my tears whom I thought was my best friend. None and nothing seemed worth in this life.
That was the time, when I started hating relationships, so called relatives who instead of helping me out from this disaster made all possible critics about my character itself…..I’ve realized that nothing but myself who can help myself to come out from that mental imbalance.
“He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.”
For a girl who came to Metro with loads of dreams to realize from a small town this was the first threat which she could have probably ever think and come across!!!
I scribbled my anger and helplessness through paintings, poetries, articles about the people around and never responded positively with anybody, became silent ….a deep killing silence covered inside my heart thinking as to how to punish these persons who made me like this? Or was just waiting to see as to how God responds in these people’s lives. A kind of terrorism, cruel mind settings seemed to slowly enter in my tender heart. I didn’t wanted to accept my failure but always thought of how to teach them a proper lesson……..I refused even to go back to my small town but to stay and give back the way they did with me.
Beautiful thoughts in the form of paintings took a opposite place, all possible harsh colors of mind and thoughts used to grab my white big sheet. All the well placed lines seemed to have crossed their limits…..depicting the mind and feelings of persons whom I came across.
The person who always used to mingle with everybody now loved to be all alone, enjoyed in thinking deeply, crying inside her heart, lost in her own world of paintings, poetries and cursing her fate………….where did it end? It never seemed to have an end. Infact, I challenged God as to give more troubles in life as I believed in myself and not to loose the life game.
There were so many times when I thought of going somewhere far from these crooked minded people or ending my life……but was that worth? Or will it give me a permanent solution for what I had faced? I told myself no matter what I need to move on meanwhile searching for a solution to mend these ugly minds. Sometimes, even standing still can be the best move you can ever make!!! “” I didn’t had anything except a Dream of a Better Day..... LET ME WAIT...”” I told to myself.
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.”
Now I‘ve emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who I am and what I want. Frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress were indeed necessary. Each step of the way, I‘ve learned. I went through exactly the experiences I need to, to become who I’ am today. Each step of the way, I progressed. Is my past a mistake? No. The only mistake I can make is mistaking that for the truth.
Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today….
It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. My past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving. The relationships I entered, stayed in, or ended taught me necessary lessons.
When obstacles come, meet them with courage. They harden you and make you tough. Suffering and misery are inevitable acts of the cosmic drama. All this is part of the grand design in which the negatives serve to glorify the positives. Thus, death glorifies immortality; ignorance glorifies wisdom; misery glorifies bliss……………
The greater the obstacle the more glory in overcoming it!