Friday, March 22, 2013

Miss Understand...!

“How can those times ever be forgotten?
Why in our times together
Did we allow our egos to sleep in?
When did the special feeling
We nurtured for each other
Turn into pain and then into torture?”

I was hurt deeply when she messaged me saying “I was the reason for them to fight!!Also, she pointed out my failure to install some software in my laptop than seeking her help and not to call her anymore with a BIG good bye” There were fights between us but, this was something which made us apart afar from hearts. I never knew this is going to be a goodbye forever to our friendship!!! Otherwise, I wouldn’t have sought any help or have taken liberty.

We were very good friends until some misunderstanding blocked our hearts & minds beyond what we can ever think of!!!

Friend is a person with whom we pour our heart out, on whom we can easily depend or rely on, with whom we feel comfortable sharing secrets untold & unfold at hearts, we’ll be sure of his/her presence next to us when need the most, he/she is the only person who understands you as you are and none else….the communication will be so informal and it often gives us the liberty to believe that we are one and the same……Do you feel the same? If yes, read further otherwise this article is not for you or not of your taste……

It was the first day in the college everybody were settling down in the auditorium. As usual I preferred to occupy the middle seat and kept on observing others. Few of them were in their own world (Trans!!), some of them were making themselves familiar with others (comparing their IQ with that of others & judging whether the other person fits to their friendship standards!!), most of them were completely blank as to what’s going to happen next???

One girl who was bit late to enter the auditorium rushed and sat in the last row. As I looked back her broad smile welcomed me and I too smiled at her spontaneously. Perhaps, this made her to come and sit next to me!!Wow, I still cherish that moment as it was just a heartfelt smile instead of “hello” made us closer….without wasting even a single minute we exchanged few information about ourselves before the session started.

Introductory sessions which was for 5 long days comprised of lectures by prominent speakers from various companies on various current issues indeed made us to feel that the management of any business is not everybody’s cup of cake!! But, many of us gathered were of a strong will, with a motive behind to join for this course

Commenting on every session was the most common thing found (sometimes, making a fool of ourselves though we didn’t know about the subject) around. Lunch break was the only time wherein we both tried to know each other in a better way. It didn’t take much time to feel that both of us were almost on the same phase by heart, the way we think, values we respect except two things which deviated were our career ambitions and so, called boyfriend!!

At last, we were relieved from those hectic, boring rarely interesting sessions!!! The institute has circulated the time table and I literally had the butterflies in my stomach since it was indeed a long time since I followed something called “time table” for academics!!! I was totally excited, after a long time I again got an opportunity to pursue something which I’ve always aspired for. So I was all set to grab this golden opportunity with full confidence and my heart every second thanked lord for his compassion on me. How could I ever repay the debt which I owe to my Saimaa than leading everyday life under HER guidance?

As the days passed, we both felt a strong special corner for each other. Of course, times during lunch breaks were just awesome. All thanks to myhostel for tasty dishes, she used to love that food specially “Bisi Bele Bath”. My replies used to literally irritate her when she used to expect answers for her questions regarding food for the day, every day morning in a nice way through SMSs; it’s not that I never replied, I did but in short forms. For such lovely caring words like GM honey, wt’s there for breakfast? I used to reply with just “chitranna”!!! Papa poor thing used to complain against me to her boyfriend!! So, silly yet it was fun

Everyone at college was jealous of our togetherness. It was such a lovely bond to be with. We used to miss those SDP (Student Development Program me!!)Huff, enough please, it’s a kind of torture…she used to say especially during financial management, management science classes…God, how could I ever forget those moments of Business Communication classes. For every one of us that was a kind of relaxation time, a total fun it was!!!

She was of full of energy, smiles and “Life”, to look at her is itself was like a festival for me who had experienced all bitter things by then. I never missed an opportunity to smile whole heartedly with her. Few of the co-students have got back to me by asking whether I knew her from a long time!!I was very proud and happy for getting such a nice person as my friend. I would have not attached to her so deep if I was aware of something which I can never expect especially from her with whom I had shared few of my secrets. That was the comfort level I felt whenever I was with her. Indeed, it was tough for me to even concentrate in the class if she wasn’t there beside me. To be frank, I did missed continuous 5 days of classes when her dad was hospitalized as even I felt the pinch at heart for her, just spent those time in praying for her happiness and more than that I didn’t had the heart to go to college itself, was not in a position to imagine myself without her in class room.

It might seem to be a foolish thing to do for a MBA student to miss classes. But, for me it was more important just to be with her during those days when she needed me the most. Friendship is the only relationship on which I easily rely, trust on than anything else, and was very happy to have such a sweet heart as my friend. She was the only friend for me over there!!! So, I wished only happiness for her.

Who knew what was ahead for me in the coming days? Who can ever guess that I might be a reason for them to fight? What happened to our friendship? Was there any misunderstanding between us? If yes, what was that? What made us to be apart afar from each other? Probably this was something which crushed my feelings towards her to the core!!!

“I have tried thousand times
To bridge the distances
To speak the words long waited
To forget and to forgive
Nothing can change the way I feel for you
Why do you refuse to understand it??”

That was the time when we received laptops from the college along with the Reliance Data card (Net Connect). It was my happy moment as it was something which I have always desired for to have!!That was the moment of pride. We both stood in the long queue and got our respective boxes. In fact, we kept those two big boxes in our bikes and said bye with a huge smile on our faces ;-))

That day itself she made me to feel free as she told not to worry about the installation of anti-virus soft ware as well as MS-2007 in my laptop as well. The very next day, when we met each other she was relieved as her man had installed MS-2007 already!! She said that it took a long time for them to do this the past night. She suggested me to handover my laptop as the same installation could be done in that also. The enthusiastic me, did handed over my lappy to her on a coming Wednesday so that it can be done at the earliest, as I had many butterflies in my head to experiment in it many more things ;-)) That was the thing which I shouldn’t have had done, as further talks regarding this just destroyed a beautiful relationship.

The enthusiastic me, when received my baby (laptop) with all necessary updated installation was bit upset as I wasn’t able to logon to internet, the very next moment I tried to contact her since she didn’t responded to my calls I did tried on her man’s number who informed about the way to install the software to access on internet, which I didn’t know, so I said to do the necessary when we meet in the college. Within a span of few minutes I did received a message from Her saying “I was the reason for them to fight with each other, and she also told my incapacity to install software in my laptop and not to keep in touch with her anymore and a big good bye” …the moment I saw the message I failed to understand what made her to think that I was the reason for them to fight?? How can I be?? And it was an insult for me not having enough knowledge about software installation.

That was enough for me to stop myself to become close to her anymore as I was blamed for such reasons before also which she was very much aware of. I tried hard to console myself but nothing could succeed. I told myself clearly “to be myself” in further days.

It was, is tough to be afar apart from her like this but that’s how things between us has been developed. A strange “Hi” coming out of a troublesome heart or disinterested kind of looks or sitting beside somebody else or changing the usual place in the classroom….heart cries inside heart but this is something which should be felt within. They say, time heals everything and I really hope for it!!!

“So many things
Close to heart, left unsaid
So many memories & moments that seem
To be frozen in the annals of time
Will those words ever be spoken???”
I miss you my dear.


Yes, that was the time when life demanded from me to run for my life!!!!

What was the reason for me to run for my own life? Why was i scared to face the situations? Was I not bold enough to handle alone? Where all my beloved ones go leaving me in this critical condition? Was it a health problem or something else? What was it exactly I was undergoing through? Who came to my rescue then? What or which was my disturbing factor??Did I reach my goal at last? ..................

Though am not so good at extracting exactly what I went through, will definitely try to reach the core to maximum extent possible. At the end, ‘am sure you will be inspired by the way I handled my mental status.

It was in Oct 2002, just after my graduation when I stepped into Bangalore with loads of dreams, determination to achieve what I’ve always aspired for, a broad smile of relatives and an open door of ICWAI (Institute of Cost and Works Accountants’ of India) gave me a kind of encouragement to reach my goal & a spark in my eyes to look at the world in a different angle…….
I was all set to start up, soon I enrolled myself for the oral coaching classes for Inter 1st stage. Getting up at 5.30am,get ready, attend classes from 7 to 10am,return home and cook something to cool my hunger, already set to start reading with a cup of tea beside me!! This used to be my daily routine; you can say that my hunger for knowledge was more than the comforts of life……..

As the days goes by, I have found myself excelling in studies and painting. Was proud of myself whenever professors used to appreciate me for the answers I used to give in an extraordinary way (through graphs, flowcharts & real examples of life...). I was up to the mark though I studied in a local language medium school & college, was equally competitive with the students who were of I.A.S.E, C.B.S.E educational background. Language was the biggest barrier while conversing which always made me inferior to share my thoughts with others. Nevertheless, in exams all mattered was how well you depict your ideas, knowledge into words in which I was good enough. Hardwork,systematic approach in preparation for the exams have at last paid me with the good results, stood in second position in whole Bangalore in oral coaching exams for which Institute awarded me with a money prize of Rs.1000/- & was one of the proud students who had cleared their Inter 1st stage in the first attempt itself!!!

Now, I had a feather on my head, was much more enthusiastic, confident and nothing could have ever stopped me from completing CWA except……………….What was that?????

It was the most shocking moment than when I lost my beloved dad and was hesitant to accept the bitter truth!!!

I was grown up by listening to the great Indian epics The Mahabharata and The Ramayana, had literally thought that at least Indians if not the whole world are indeed following the path of truth, righteousness in their everyday life. Forget about Indians, I was so dumb to realize what exactly is happening in minds of people so called relatives by whom I was surrounded with!!

Why me?? Was that b’coz I didn’t had my father or mum who was staying far away from me? Were they taking advantage of me being alone at my home? What exactly they wanted?? It didn’t took much time for me to realize & face the ugliest minds I have ever come across till then……there was no shame in themselves when they approached me by saying they love me though they had wife, few of them had kid/s also…how disgusting!!!! Used to wonder with the way they were leading their life & facing their family with a bitter, dirty mind & heart hiding within…there was no truth nor righteousness in their deeds, feelings, speech……

I had decided not to open the doors itself when they knock and pour out their dirty thoughts. Was the last person to accept those bitter facts. I used to console myself that they must be playing pranks with me to know me better or something like that….but nothing could succeed in calming my heart’s agony. Consoling myself with such sugar coated thoughts didn’t fetch anything than an increasing unknown fear inside myself of loosing myself, interest in studies,people,relationships,life…..used to curse my helplessness and blame GOD for taking away my dad when I needed him the most. Every day and night became tougher to face than I thought. I had none to share what I was undergoing through as I thought it would give a chance to people to make fun of our family which had then built a good reputation by then in society, thought I was strong enough to make these dirty minds to realize what they are doing…..was I over confident or did I felt that I was strong enough to fight with them???

Since they had a good rapport with my neighbors’ entering home was not a big deal for them through which they indeed took undue advantage. All my innocence towards the relationships seems to have an end. Though I tried my best to scream and tell them what they think and are doing is nothing but cheating themselves, God & so called family, they never agreed with me (rather they argued that without God’s will not even a single grass will move, then, without HIS WILL why will they get these feelings towards me??) They had all possible senseless statements ready with them to argue!! My physical strength didn’t come to my rescue to escape from those rough hands, even stones would have moved at my cries but not them!!Harassment both physically and mentally have blocked my mind and heart as a whole……..
The silent screams inside
Nobody does hear
But me.
The screams of fear.
The screams of pain.
The screams of past pain endured.
No body knows.
The screams of hurt.
The screams that huant.
The screams of despair.
The screams of loneliness.
The screams of death.
Im screaming inside out.
With nobody to hear
Im screaming with pain.
Im screaming and screaming
Let me forget ....................

CWA exams were fast approaching, but unlike last time, I was unable to concentrate on anything …just hunting for some help to rescue me from this unbearable pain. Instead of sparkle in eyes & heart, a deep inconsolable tears was enough to fill my complete day and night….why did it happened with me? What was my mistake? Was I that much bad for God had punished me like this?? Whole night I used to sit in the puja room staring at god’s eye but they never responded to my cries!!! I was deeply hurt when even God couldn’t come to wipe my tears whom I thought was my best friend. None and nothing seemed worth in this life.

That was the time, when I started hating relationships, so called relatives who instead of helping me out from this disaster made all possible critics about my character itself…..I’ve realized that nothing but myself who can help myself to come out from that mental imbalance.

He has the right to criticize who has the heart to help.”
Abraham Lincoln

For a girl who came to Metro with loads of dreams to realize from a small town this was the first threat which she could have probably ever think and come across!!!

I scribbled my anger and helplessness through paintings, poetries, articles about the people around and never responded positively with anybody, became silent ….a deep killing silence covered inside my heart thinking as to how to punish these persons who made me like this? Or was just waiting to see as to how God responds in these people’s lives. A kind of terrorism, cruel mind settings seemed to slowly enter in my tender heart. I didn’t wanted to accept my failure but always thought of how to teach them a proper lesson……..I refused even to go back to my small town but to stay and give back the way they did with me.

Beautiful thoughts in the form of paintings took a opposite place, all possible harsh colors of mind and thoughts used to grab my white big sheet. All the well placed lines seemed to have crossed their limits…..depicting the mind and feelings of persons whom I came across.

The person who always used to mingle with everybody now loved to be all alone, enjoyed in thinking deeply, crying inside her heart, lost in her own world of paintings, poetries and cursing her fate………….where did it end? It never seemed to have an end. Infact, I challenged God as to give more troubles in life as I believed in myself and not to loose the life game.

There were so many times when I thought of going somewhere far from these crooked minded people or ending my life……but was that worth? Or will it give me a permanent solution for what I had faced? I told myself no matter what I need to move on meanwhile searching for a solution to mend these ugly minds. Sometimes, even standing still can be the best move you can ever make!!! “” I didn’t had anything except a Dream of a Better Day..... LET ME WAIT...”” I told to myself.
“Do what you feel in your heart to be right, for you'll be criticized anyway. You'll be damned if you do and damned if you don't.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

Now I‘ve emerged from the most painful circumstances with strong insights about who I am and what I want. Frustrations, failures, and sometimes stumbling attempts at growth and progress were indeed necessary. Each step of the way, I‘ve learned. I went through exactly the experiences I need to, to become who I’ am today. Each step of the way, I progressed. Is my past a mistake? No. The only mistake I can make is mistaking that for the truth.
Today, God, help me let go of negative thoughts I may be harboring about my past circumstances or relationships. I can accept, with gratitude, all that has brought me to today….
It is easy to be negative about past mistakes and unhappiness. But it is much more healing to look at ourselves and our past in the light of experience, acceptance, and growth. My past is a series of lessons that advance us to higher levels of living and loving. The relationships I entered, stayed in, or ended taught me necessary lessons.

When obstacles come, meet them with courage. They harden you and make you tough. Suffering and misery are inevitable acts of the cosmic drama. All this is part of the grand design in which the negatives serve to glorify the positives. Thus, death glorifies immortality; ignorance glorifies wisdom; misery glorifies bliss……………

The greater the obstacle the more glory in overcoming it!